who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
