Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
