if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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