Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
