I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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