dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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