Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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