I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sober January is a disaster.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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