Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
