i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
