Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
