oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
