My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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