I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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