I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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