I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
