he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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