my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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