You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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