a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
