I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
