So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
