it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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