i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
