TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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