There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and she was petting her beer can
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
