just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
