The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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