I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
