I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When did angry sex become our thing?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
