if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
