If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
