I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
