I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
