omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
