Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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