I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
