i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
