i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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