I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll