It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My ATM looks so different sober.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
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I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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