I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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