my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
