Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
