my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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