is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
