Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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