I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
