he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
