On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
