dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
