I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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