this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
