Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
