I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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