Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
