If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
