I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
