Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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