and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
