I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
