Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
