I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
